he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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