can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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