Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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