What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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