True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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