I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
