Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize