There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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