I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
