omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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