Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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