Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
