he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
