his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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