ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
