I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Everything about him screamed your future.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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