My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need a beard to bite.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
