So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
