One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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