I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
