mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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