Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
