the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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