then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
