Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
