Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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