Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
