so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
