After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
