Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
