I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
