The maid of honor just puked.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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