Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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