I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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