Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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