She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
