he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
