The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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