omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
