So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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