I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
