I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
