I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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