Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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