i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize