So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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