eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
