I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
