You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
