Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
