Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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