I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
