we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
