And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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