i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
