you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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