You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
