No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
