Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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